2019 is coming to an end!
I'm currently writing this post in the middle of our final project screening (don't worry I've done my presentation along with my friends so let's say I'm free from all the stress of presenting our video project) and I can't believe I'm getting closer to going home for such long time!
During the 5th semester, precisely the last two months of the 5th semester, was the hardest period for me to go home for just several days. A not-so-strict-schedule-but-not-friendly-for-us-to-have-few-days-to-go-home, only a few but very demanding group projects, not to forget my non-academic activities in which I couldn't mention all of them. The thing is, I've been very, crazily, busy.
So, how should I describe my 2019?
I won't tell what I had failed on nor what I have succeeded on--let them become my personal achievements that I may not tell publicly and I don't think no one wants to know and it's also not necessary for me to tell, UNLESS if I think that I should cherish it publicly.
Uh, I don't know, it feels like right after I achieved my goals, failures came in just few weeks not even one or two months. It feels like those failures were there to balance my life and to remind myself that I could still be failed event though I had prepared very well.
I was disappointed with many things--the dreams that I couldn't achieve this year, with my self-hatred habit, flaws, and mistakes that I barely even tried to fix it--or if I tried, the process would never be easy and it made overwhelmed with myself at the end. I was still struggling to accept myself the way I am despite the fact that I had release a song that bluntly invites the listeners to grow the love for themselves.
I'm no longer afraid of being criticized--I've always seen it as an opportunity of self-improvement. What I'm still afraid is that critics and good will weren't good enough because I will never be the best in the house--there will always be someone--who is the best among of them. There will be a sky above the sky. And it slowly made me feel smaller, smaller, smaller, and smaller, until I started to think that I was just a spec of dust. Especially every time I saw my college mates whom I consider as the "All-stars" of our major, I've always felt that I haven't kept up with them due to how talented and creative they are. At some points it made me want to upgrade myself every single day, but on the other hand--just like what I said before--it was overwhelming, so much.
There were days that I felt that I was out of energy--that I couldn't do things that I should do as best as I could--even tho I wanted to. I once cried for 8 days straight just because I failed on one thing that I won't tell you--I even have no idea where this ambitious personality came from since none of my parents force me to achieve things in a specific time (except asking me to graduate right on time--cum laude and continue my postgraduate studies abroad) and instead they told me that there will be the right time for me and I just have to wait for it.
And sometimes, really, sometimes, what they said was true. There were also lots of surprising things that came to me, unexpectedly. That I sometimes forgot to take them for granted. That I sometimes forgot to be thankful for them. That I know that from now on, I need to cherish every little thing that I get.
Absolutely, 2019 is a roller-coaster for me. I lost many things, yet I also achieved many things. I learned a lot from my mistakes, and am still struggling to be a better person without drastically changing my personality. Almost two years since I attend college, two years being active in certain communities and events, and I'm still a goofy, introverted human being--although I did learn how to lead a group and to have efficient teamwork among the others that may be extremely different for me. With all of these roller-coaster experiences I hope that these could be some sort of transition for me to arrive in a better situation.
And am I ready for 2020? Oh I'm so, so, ready.
