2021 holy shit a life update

 How long I haven't been signed in to this blog?

I miss the time where I ranted some random stuff here and socialised with some of my blogger friends - which I have very little idea what are they up to by now. (unless we're mutuals on instagram and twitter) Since I've been making this blog private, means this officially becomes my virtual diary, there's no need for me to be worried about people's thoughts about my writings.

Uhm ok where should I start.... It'd sound boring if I start this by stating "2021 is such a roller-coaster" - this won't indicate any differences with what I wrote in 2019 lol. Besides, life is, and will always be, a roller-coaster. 

Ever since pandemic occurs, I feel like my social and linguistic skill is lacking... Been having trouble explaining things (even in Indonesian) and sometimes need to think twice in organising the words I'm about to speak. I have trouble keeping up in such a simple convo - I'd probably ended up saying "oh.... ok". Pretty sure my introversion has nothing to do with this (seriously, people need to stop stereotyping either introverted or extroverted person). I'm not even sure whether I could make it in the upcoming IELTS test taken for my post-grad study requirements, though I've set my target to get - at the very least - an overall band score of 8 (I'm only able go by 7 until this day lmao) and I still lack of confidence when speaking in english (20% of the source of my insecurity comes from me afraid of being judged by my american-ish accent or my inability to construct the words in a good sentence). I even decided to go back to writing so I'll get used to in either writing or speaking sections. Though, the speaking session is the most enjoyable for me by far. Might go monologuing about some random stuff in the middle of the night so I can be much more fluent. 

Currently thinking about how I should've continued writing my motivation letter instead of this one... no I have a clear intention of writing this and it's to get used to write a lot of thoughts in english and to pull out toxics on my body so this is surely not a waste of time - 

Ok I just reminisced my old writings HAHAHAHHAAHH can't believe how brave and strong I was especially in 2019... such a golden year. Perhaps

I should've wrote more but I suddenly forgot my worries and insecurities that I need to emit here. shiiiiiiitttt this was supposed to be a good writing but ended up being a useless rant compilation smh

Ok let me try again. 

It also has been around 4 months since I work at an infamous brand-tech company in my country - which I still have no idea why they offered the position to me instead of others who I believe may have better drawing skills, but..... let's say maybe I DID deserve this after all of the hard work I've done back in school or college. I've admitted as an ambitious bastard lately, seeking not only money but also validation and 'name'. Yet, I sometimes doubt whether all of these hard work may have a great outcome, or I'm just doing everything wrong, I mean - 

We all know being busy does not equal to being productive.... isn't it? I'm afraid i'm just being busy, but things that I do may only give so little impact on my future... In other words, I'm not being that focused on my ultimate goals (which I also have no idea what it is. working as a creative practitioner is one of them, and I may be pursuing it by now... it makes me happy already but sometimes I feel like something's missing) I don't even see myself as forever an employee of someone's company, yet I want to give all my best in every project I'm involved. I believe there are things that I can get and learn in this company so I'll cherish every opportunities that I have by now.

Though, I have my own career and projects to take care of, and no doubt I also strive to be as big as YOU, my dear CEO of the company I work at. Not saying that I would form a company, a production house, or a studio (still considering this as I suck at business management or things related to that) but at the very least, I want to become a person that people can rely on, and have a 'name'- in terms of music composing and illustrating obviously. Been very envious of those who appear on webinars, talks, labeled as 'inspiring people'.... Don't know if this will also happen to me - I may still be a little bit selfish and unclear intention of being a speaker, thus God has not let me to do so. 

Well uhm, what should I say, keeping myself occupied is one of the ways to overcome my fear of missing out too.

I've also had trouble distinguishing 'laziness' and 'burn-out', being 'sincere' and 'insecure'. When having a deep convo with a close friend of mine, I told him that I felt like 'the laziest person in the world'. I'm never satisfied with my work rythm, productivity and efficiency as I tend to take a break too often while working. I'm not sure if everyone's doing the same shit as I am but I can feel so guilty when not working as hard as the others. I also have no idea if my works are that great, fulfilling the applied standards.

And then I realised... that I've never got, or asked for any feedback of my work output towards the others, thus making me biased over my own skills and abilities. I plan to do a 1-on-1 with my senior officer and ask for a feedback on my work that I've done for the past 4 months. Wish me a very best of luck. 

Been thinking of doubting nice words or opportunities given by people in my surroundings may result in me disrespecting those who are kind enough to respect me, so I think I need to go easier on myself...

(I wonder where this insecurity comes from - is it because I see kpop idols and already-a-privileged-high-class-people too much?) I don't consider myself as a person coming from a high-class family, yet I'm aware that we live comfortably. I'm lucky enough that my family let me pursue my own goals instead of forcing me to work as a health worker. Being murtad from a family which most of them work in healthcare field and have no record of pursuing post-grad study abroad means that I'm starting everything from the bottom... isn't it? So it should be normal that I need more time to build connections, look for post-grad study infos on my own, improve my skills.... right? It shouldn't be an apple to apple if I compare myself to Maudy Ayunda, who's got a strong educational background and environment already.... right? It shouldn't be an apple to apple if I compare myself to my friends whose family have got great post-grad study records and is common to travel overseas for either leisure or business... right?

right?

Though I believe my parents support me 100%, both emotionally and financially, there are plenty of things that I don't know and should be looking for, on my own, as both of my parents don't provide any of the infos and/or connections. They are both pharmacy graduates and have never pursued any post-grad studies. Yet, they support me and my sister to do so. Please please please let me study at Royal College of Music in the future - in 2022 or 2023, at the very least. 

I wonder if I followed my parents' step of becoming a pharmacist, would there be a different outcome? Would I be helpful for their connections and/or infos in pharmacy or healthcare world in general? I'm not sure. 

Getting back to the ultimate goals, I feel the need to write them down here. As a reminder - and to keep myself on track, that I've got shit to do and no time to compare myself among the others. 

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

• A film composer with great track record (involved in both Indonesian and international films, ads, or any other audio-visual works) and strong personal branding
• A musician with great discography (slight intention of using more Indonesian traditional instruments as a form to expand this so-called 'Indonesian-wave'...?)
• Being a master of music so I can share my knowledge to others (also to give a wider view on being a film composer) 
• in other words, becoming an entertainer. Hoping to be the star myself. 

(These ultimate goals are somewhat irrelevant to my full-time job lmao but who cares tho) let's see what I want to be as an illustrator....

• Having my own original animated/comic series (with a help from my friends obviously)
• opening an art school (non-formal) or conduct small art classs

additional small goals HAHAHAH:

• SF9 fan meet/collaboration - this is highly unlikely to happen but who knows
• being Hiroyuki Sawano's apprentice

Believe it or not this could become a guide for my motivation letter tho... or this writing itself is a motivation letter. hahahah

(I do feel that the burden on my shoulders slowly lightens after putting all of my concerns here). Now I'm ready to get the ongoing scoring project done. At last, the little thing that I need to do to get my energy back is to pull out all toxics, and rethink about my goals.

Otsukaresama. You've done well.

2019: a roller-coaster, extreme change of emotions

2019 is coming to an end!

I'm currently writing this post in the middle of our final project screening (don't worry I've done my presentation along with my friends so let's say I'm free from all the stress of presenting our video project) and I can't believe I'm getting closer to going home for such long time!

During the 5th semester, precisely the last two months of the 5th semester, was the hardest period for me to go home for just several days. A not-so-strict-schedule-but-not-friendly-for-us-to-have-few-days-to-go-home, only a few but very demanding group projects, not to forget my non-academic activities in which I couldn't mention all of them. The thing is, I've been very, crazily, busy. 

So, how should I describe my 2019? 

I won't tell what I had failed on nor what I have succeeded on--let them become my personal achievements that I may not tell publicly and I don't think no one wants to know and it's also not necessary for me to tell, UNLESS if I think that I should cherish it publicly. 

Uh, I don't know, it feels like right after I achieved my goals, failures came in just few weeks not even one or two months. It feels like those failures were there to balance my life and to remind  myself that I could still be failed event though  I had prepared very well. 

I was disappointed with many things--the dreams that I couldn't achieve this year, with my self-hatred habit, flaws, and mistakes that I barely even tried to fix it--or if I tried, the process would never be easy and it made overwhelmed with myself at the end. I was still struggling to accept myself the way I am despite the fact that I had release a song that bluntly invites the listeners to grow the love for themselves. 

I'm no longer afraid of being criticized--I've always seen it as an opportunity of self-improvement. What I'm still afraid is that critics and good will weren't good enough because I will never be the best in the house--there will always be someone--who is the best among of them. There will be a sky above the sky. And it slowly made me feel smaller, smaller, smaller, and smaller, until I started to think that I was just a spec of dust. Especially every time I saw my college mates whom I consider as the "All-stars" of our major, I've always felt that I haven't kept up with them due to how talented and creative they are. At some points it made me want to upgrade myself every single day, but on the other hand--just like what I said before--it was overwhelming, so much.

There were days that I felt that I was out of energy--that I couldn't do things that I should do as best as I could--even tho I wanted to. I once cried for 8 days straight just because I failed on one thing that I won't tell you--I even have no idea where this ambitious personality came from since none of my parents force me to achieve things in a specific time (except asking me to graduate right on time--cum laude and continue my postgraduate studies abroad) and instead they told me that there will be the right time for me and I just have to wait for it. 

And sometimes, really, sometimes, what they said was true. There were also lots of surprising things that came to me, unexpectedly. That I sometimes forgot to take them for granted. That I sometimes forgot to be thankful for them. That I know that from now on, I need to cherish every little thing that I get. 

Absolutely, 2019 is a roller-coaster for me. I lost many things, yet I also achieved many things. I learned a lot from my mistakes, and am still struggling to be a better person without drastically changing my personality. Almost two years since I attend college, two years being active in certain communities and events, and I'm still a goofy, introverted human being--although I did learn how to lead a group and to have efficient teamwork among the others that may be extremely different for me. With all of these roller-coaster experiences I hope that these could be some sort of transition for me to arrive in a better situation.

And am I ready for 2020? Oh I'm so, so, ready.