2019: a roller-coaster, extreme change of emotions

2019 is coming to an end!

I'm currently writing this post in the middle of our final project screening (don't worry I've done my presentation along with my friends so let's say I'm free from all the stress of presenting our video project) and I can't believe I'm getting closer to going home for such long time!

During the 5th semester, precisely the last two months of the 5th semester, was the hardest period for me to go home for just several days. A not-so-strict-schedule-but-not-friendly-for-us-to-have-few-days-to-go-home, only a few but very demanding group projects, not to forget my non-academic activities in which I couldn't mention all of them. The thing is, I've been very, crazily, busy. 

So, how should I describe my 2019? 

I won't tell what I had failed on nor what I have succeeded on--let them become my personal achievements that I may not tell publicly and I don't think no one wants to know and it's also not necessary for me to tell, UNLESS if I think that I should cherish it publicly. 

Uh, I don't know, it feels like right after I achieved my goals, failures came in just few weeks not even one or two months. It feels like those failures were there to balance my life and to remind  myself that I could still be failed event though  I had prepared very well. 

I was disappointed with many things--the dreams that I couldn't achieve this year, with my self-hatred habit, flaws, and mistakes that I barely even tried to fix it--or if I tried, the process would never be easy and it made overwhelmed with myself at the end. I was still struggling to accept myself the way I am despite the fact that I had release a song that bluntly invites the listeners to grow the love for themselves. 

I'm no longer afraid of being criticized--I've always seen it as an opportunity of self-improvement. What I'm still afraid is that critics and good will weren't good enough because I will never be the best in the house--there will always be someone--who is the best among of them. There will be a sky above the sky. And it slowly made me feel smaller, smaller, smaller, and smaller, until I started to think that I was just a spec of dust. Especially every time I saw my college mates whom I consider as the "All-stars" of our major, I've always felt that I haven't kept up with them due to how talented and creative they are. At some points it made me want to upgrade myself every single day, but on the other hand--just like what I said before--it was overwhelming, so much.

There were days that I felt that I was out of energy--that I couldn't do things that I should do as best as I could--even tho I wanted to. I once cried for 8 days straight just because I failed on one thing that I won't tell you--I even have no idea where this ambitious personality came from since none of my parents force me to achieve things in a specific time (except asking me to graduate right on time--cum laude and continue my postgraduate studies abroad) and instead they told me that there will be the right time for me and I just have to wait for it. 

And sometimes, really, sometimes, what they said was true. There were also lots of surprising things that came to me, unexpectedly. That I sometimes forgot to take them for granted. That I sometimes forgot to be thankful for them. That I know that from now on, I need to cherish every little thing that I get. 

Absolutely, 2019 is a roller-coaster for me. I lost many things, yet I also achieved many things. I learned a lot from my mistakes, and am still struggling to be a better person without drastically changing my personality. Almost two years since I attend college, two years being active in certain communities and events, and I'm still a goofy, introverted human being--although I did learn how to lead a group and to have efficient teamwork among the others that may be extremely different for me. With all of these roller-coaster experiences I hope that these could be some sort of transition for me to arrive in a better situation.

And am I ready for 2020? Oh I'm so, so, ready. 

'open minded' gone wrong

warning: this post is going to be a rant. those who claim themselves 'open minded' should've not got triggered by this and respond wisely. 

...

hm, how should I start this topic? 

how about we start from this meme:

and this:

this is what happens in this post-modern era. 

A few weeks ago I saw a tweet through my friend's IG story, (it was in Indonesian) and it was said that "you're not open minded if you agree to LGBTQ+, have been questioning god, yet you still insult those who still choose to be conservative". and I couldn't fucking agree more to that!

I think the definition of 'open-minded' itself has been narrowed to something specific only. You are only considered as 'open-minded' if you agree and support post-modern ideologies, or if you agree with what other people believe in, which I actually have no idea whether those ideologies are actually good for the human race or is it only for the sake of pop culture. 

I even kind of dislike those who call themselves 'open-minded' and tell people to do so. It sounds a bit cocky, to be honest... and too subjective. Imagine someone telling you to be open minded just because you disagree with his/her ideology after you listen to their explanation. (indonesian mode) "Open minded dong jadi orang...!" Sounds rude, doesn't it?

The thing is, the main point of open minded does not mean agreeing or disagreeing certain ideologies. Agreeing or disagreeing depends on what we believe is true, and surely every individual has their own definition of what's right and what's wrong - what should be agreed and what should not. The actual point of open minded is that you have a willing to know something new or different from your perspective, despite being agree to it or not. 

To be honest, to know something different from my perspective is still a hard thing to do for me. Not that I'm being sceptical, it's because I'm just really afraid of slowly losing the faith that I've been holding on. The easiest example: afraid of losing the faith of God and religion after seeking deeper about the true existence of God. I'm not saying that I'm a religious person - cuz I'm actually not - but I, to be honest, sense through heart His existence and influence in me. Like many people say, that kind of sense cannot be measured since it's a matter of belief. 

But these days, I'm trying to seek deeper about two hot topics related to 'open-minded' things: LGBTQ+ and religion. These have been such a sensitive yet interesting topic but I actually have not discussed this yet even with my close friends cuz I know how sensitive these  topics are. And no, searching for some topics does not mean I'm going to leave what I believe by now instantly. That's not how it works. 

I've been searching for topics and discussions like :

• the reasons why people do not believe in God, 
• scientific research on LGBTQ+
• Nietzsche's "God is dead"
• LGBTQ+ as a culture or is it actually real (like do a person really believe that he (for example) is somewhat a girl trapped in boy's body, vice versa)

But I'm not going to discuss it by now since it's midnight already and I really need to sleep. 

the main point of this post that I want to tell y'all, is that insulting those who don't think the same thing to you does not make you an open minded. And i think it is better for you to do some deeper research before deciding whether you believe/support it or not. As sometimes, people start to support some ideologies (being gay/trans, leaving religion/becoming atheist) because of the influence of their surroundings.

and no, supporting/agreeing ideologies because majority of people do so, does not instantly make you an open-minded. To know whether it's worth for you to support/agree or not, like what I said, do some research.

Hope you are having a good day. :)

akan ada saatnya

[this is written while i'm trying my best to finish my final assignment but i guess being a god-tier procrastinator means i'll have this done by the d-day]

Akan ada saatnya di mana ponsel tidak lagi bisa menghibur di kala bosan. 

Biasanya browsing buat fangirling, panen meme, shitposting enggak jelas di twitter. Tapi, malam ini aku ngerasa hiburan-hiburan itu sudah cukup buat aku bosan. 

Akan ada saatnya, di mana, akhirnya aku kembali mencari hiburan lewat buku. 

I remembered the time when I was able to finish around 20 books in a year, dan sekarang kelarin satu buku dalam waktu 3 bulan aja udah berasa berat. Idk if I should be ashamed of myself, but I miss those times when I was highly productive on reading books. Enggak peduli itu buku bahasa inggris, teenlit, buku fiksi receh. Pokoknya pada tahun itu, aku dengan bangga bisa menyelesaikan 20 buku dalam satu tahun. 

Di buku Questioning Everything! yang berisi kompilasi wawancara para seniman Indonesia, salah satu seniman bilang (even I forgot who he was, wtf) bahwa buku enggak akan pernah mati, karena di situlah gudang semuanya. Pada akhirnya, orang akan kembali ke buku. 

oh how I miss being authentic...

Akan ada saatnya di mana menulis di media sosial menjadi sesuatu yang membosankan.

Aku biasa posting cerita-cerita unik, serem, atau lucu di beberapa medsos-ku. Bukan buat nyari perhatian (well, mungkin sedikit ada niatan untuk cari perhatian--I mean, at least ada yang mau ngomentarin ceritaku), tapi aku memang pada dasarnya suka bercerita. Tapi malam ini, aku terdorong untuk cari media lain di mana aku bisa bercerita sesuka hati, sepanjang apapun, se-frontal apapun, tanpa khawatir ada yang men-judge, setidaknya enggak langsung. 

then I remembered that I used to blog almost everyday during school times.

Akan ada saatnya, di mana, aku kembali bercerita lewat blog.

Selain karena sudah mulai sepi pengunjung, aku merasa jauh lebih bebas menulis di sini dan jauh lebih bisa menulis hal-hal yang lebih serius--hasil kontemplasiku tiap hari, bukan cuma semacam shitposting singkat, haha-hihi sama keindahan internet. Sebenarntya ini suatu keanehan ketika aku bilang menjadi kritis dan 'bacot' soal hal-hal sosial atau sesuatu yang sifatnya filosofis itu adalah guilty pleasure aku. Aku memang bukan orang yang suka nge-judge, tipikal ngikutin lambe turah dan tiba-tiba nyinyirin orang yang enggak sesuai pandangan/ideologiku, tapi pasti akan ada terbesit pikiran judgemental yang lebih rasional dan enggak kurang ajar, yang sebetulnya aku lebih suka tuangkan di sini. 

Dan jujur, aku sangat sangat sangat kangen ketika blogging itu rame banget, sampai aku ikut komunitasnya. Rame promosiin postingan masing-masing, baca terus kasih komentar yang apresiatif banget. It's so nostalgic and is it weird if I wish it happened again? 

end of my midnight contemplation. I shall be back to my assignment. *sigh*

knowing the lazy geniuses

Hello internet, how's life? 

Enough of the crap, I've been really, really busy with college and work and committees. Writing has not been my priority lately due to my activities (damn I miss those times when I regularly blogged and remembered how exciting Femind Bloggers were), buuuut now it's summer and I get the chance to write something that I have been wanting to write about. I found this actually quite unique to be discussed and no, it won't be as complicated as politics or sexual issues (I might write about them but later) cuz this may be experienced or seen by y'all in daily activities. 

The lazy geniuses. 

Do you have that friend who's known as the sleepyhead during the class, or a gamer-addict, or those who claim themselves not studying the night before the exam but ended up achieving excellent grades even better than yours? Pretty sure this happens quite few times, doesn't it? 

This is what they can be defined as lazy geniuses. But actually, what is the accurate definition of 'lazy genius' itself? 

According to Urban Dictionary, lazy genius is defined as a person who has huge IQ but does not put a lot of effort in anything he/she does. This may seem pretty common and understandable--knowing that they have specialty that make them easier to understand/memorize things actually make them feel like they don't have to work harder bc of their intelligence. 

(which I kind of agree, but also disagree with this action. First of all, I know it is such a blessing to have huge IQ and great intelligence that would possibly make you as genius as Prof. B.J. Habibie and surely it makes you easier to understand things so you don't have to work extra, unlike those who only have average IQ. Yet, this condition can be considered as 'blessing in disguise', as a lot of people might work harder than you until they possibly become much more successful/superior/smarter than you. So yea there's no exception that if you want to be smart/successful then you hv to work your ass harder)

On the other hand, there's a podcast named The Lazy Genius Collective which they stated on their website that they're going to help us to be 'a genius about the things that matter, but lazy about the things that don't', According to what they stated, I assumed that they define 'lazy genius' differently from what Urban Dictionary defined before; the lazy genius is someone who can be smart and passionate with certain things but undoubtedly be lazy with things that they think is unnecessary. 

But no, I'm not going to state which one is the right definition and which one is wrong. Both definitions are actually acceptable. What I'm going to tell you in this post is, the unique stories of those who I assumed as 'lazy geniuses' and my thoughts and own definitions about lazy geniuses. 

And you should be actually really careful with lazy geniuses. Since, as what I experienced, the lazy geniuses are not actually lazy and are not always those who have huge IQ. Notice that this topic will be possibly dominant to the definition stated by The Lazy Genius Collective.

As what they stated, they know when to be diligent/passionate/work hard, but also know when to be lazy/just do okay with the work/not using their 100% power for the work. This type of lazy genius is actually much 'scarier' than the huge-IQ's lazy genius. Despite the fact that they have the lazy traits, they still manage themselves to be diligent, especially in things that they are passionate. And the best part is, they can be diligent without even seem like they are. 

So this is why I never underestimate those who look lazy/unmotivated in living their lives, because none of us know what they are actually doing. It may be just their default looks or their traits (getting up late, not being punctual, being asleep during the class, being absent for several times without any confirmation, likes to hangout until midnight) that make them look like the lazy ones, but deep inside no one knows if they are actually highly motivated or really passionate about some things or have high standards on making/doing things. I'm confident to say this as I know some people who I think can be considered as this type of lazy geniuses. 

I'm going to use my classmates in my college as an example. Comparing to the next class (which is class A; I'm part of class B), my class are more likely less diligent in terms of being present in the lecture than class A. I mean, look--there could be only less than a half of all number of students of class B who were present in a lecture. Not to mention those who ccame late quite often, got to sleep, and those who didn't really listen to the lecturer during the lecture. BUT, I was pretty surprised that they could be somewhat very creative and responsible when it comes to certain assignments. I know those who I can consider having such a huge effort for their assignments (especially assignments related to video producing/filmmaking) but their performances during the lecture were just okay (not really active, not really enthusiastic, etc etc etc) and it's actually very possible that they received perfect A in certain lectures. 

To be honest, this type of person gets so much attention to me, like how their traits can be contradicted to their work ethics--how their 'lazy' attitudes can trick us to see that they don't put much effort to their lives, but deep down they would probably be the ones who put much more effort than us without us knowing.