Well hello there.
Here I am, writitng this post at 23.51 PM, currently finished making a PowerPoint presentation as I'm going to present - on my own - in front of my sociology teacher, about the local wisdom of a community or tribe. I meant to research so I could present more than what I serve inside the slides, but it's midnight already and I just don't have any oomph to do it. And there are more school assignments that I should finish before the 5th semester end - which often makes me feel stressed and anxious and it feels like I just want to skip school and go somewhere far away.
Do you know how it feels like when you're fully aware with your grades yet you are too lazy to study or do your assignments? Yes, that's what I feel these days. I did remember the time when I was in eleventh grade, I was super ambitious and way too eager to get good scores (I used to put A or 100 for the target of the score of each exam - well, still ocassionally do it by now) and I just realize that I had been really annoying back then. A good friend of mine said that I pushed myself too far, way too obsessed with grades and was a victim of Kurikulum 2013 which (my friends thought) makes the students even busier with these endless assignments. Despite the ambitious-thingy, I still think (by now) that I had my best moments when I was in eleventh grade.
I realize how much I hate senior year. Well some of you might think that being a senior is awesome - you're the one who rule the school and you can make fun of the freshmen and juniors whatever you want.
Well no. It's not awesome. It's terrible.
I've got lots of pressure since I started my senior year. I need to keep my grades stable so I can be accepted in my dream uni without joining the test (SBMPTN) as I think that the SBMPTN questions are difficult AF. In other side that I have to keep practicing my drawing skill as I want to take faculty of arts and design so bad - yet I don't have time to do that at home. After school I still need to study for tomorrow's exam, or do other assignments, or design something according to the clients' requests (yea I'm a freelancer now). I feel like 24 hours is not enough to finish all tasks so I can just breathe and live a life peacefully without anything to do.
Not in spite of the fact that I am terrible in time managing. I used to do anything spontaniously because I feel that my brain just works and is full of ideas during hours before the deadline. That's why I always sleep very late. I feel that my brain is highly productive during the night and 'fall asleep' during the day. I know it's not good tbh. My mom and my teacher told me that it wasn't a good lifestyle, since God has given the day to do our activites and night to take a rest. For me, it's upside down. Well, I tried to fix this bad habit. I tried. But somehow it's hard, like really hard.
Maybe some of you will think you're not that stressed when being a senior year and thnk I exaggerate to much about that. Maybe you'll think I take everything seriously. And I confess that I do take everything seriously, too seriously, in fact. I worry too much about something, sometimes think that my life will end when I can't get the score that I want. I'm some sort of afraid that I might have mental illness which has been haunting me since eleventh grade.
But these days, I convince myself that my life won't end just because I fail on a test (even I still can be so emotional because of that sometimes). I convince myself that I can be successful in my own way. Grades are just small parts that'll will bring a little effect on our success. I learnt that what makes us successful is how we control our emotion when facing various kinds of events or problems.
When you fall and it feels hurtful, cry. Cry until you feel better. We're human anyway. We don't have to pretend that everything is okay even everything is absolutely not okay. But friend, don't forget to get up. Time flies so fast and there are lots of positive things that we can do.
It's 0.42 AM already here in Depok. I write this because I've got mental breakdown these days and I need a place to release all my stress. I hope you'll get something postive with this post. :)
(tbh i feel so relieved after writing this post)
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